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Infidelity: One of the World's Worst Dreams
November
24th, 2006
Dreams about infidelity are upsetting. Making a direct
accusation,
they can leave
the dreamer
with gnawing
suspicions
that have no
roots in
waking life.
The key thing
to grasp is
that this kind
of dream
always has
many other
meanings
besides its
most obvious
one. Here is
an example
that, at first
appears to be
black-and-white,
but quickly
suggests many
possibilities.
Jack's
Dream
I
dream that I
go round to my
girl friend,
Jill's in the
afternoon and
she is in bed.
The window is
open and I
know someone
has left the
room. I know
she is
cheating on
me.
Jack
woke up
feeling
dreadful. How
do you get out
from under the
toxic cloud
this kind of
dream leaves
behind?
Last
week we
discussed that
idea that a
dream can be
ambiguous.
Even seemingly
clear and
direct dreams
like these are
full of
possible
meanings, they
even having an
opposite
interpretation.
In
the context of
Jack's dream,
there is no
actual
evidence.
Jack’s
Dream-self
only
“knows”
that Jill is
in bed and the
window is
open. There
are no other
facts.
Here
are several
possible
meanings; some
will strike
you as
outlandish:
1.
The dream
means what it
says: Jill is
having an
affair. Jack
has, no doubt,
been ignoring
a growing
amount of
evidence all
around him.
2.
The dream
means a kind
of opposite:
Jack, in a
way, wants
Jill to have
an affair.
Jack is
actually
unhappy in his
relationship
with Jill but,
lacking the
skills to
discuss this,
he wishes Jill
was having an
affair so that
he could break
up and still
be the
innocent
party.
3.
Jack is
unhappy with
his sexual
relationship
with Jill. He
knows that he
is not having
enjoyable sex
with Jill and
therefore
believes that
someone else
is taking his
place. In fact
there is a
vacuum which
Jack is
filling with
his
imagination.
4.
Jill has not
told Jack but
in fact she is
very unhappy
with their sex
life but she
has no way of
telling him.
Jack is
"picking
up" the
message that
Jill is
unhappy with
him.
5.
Jack is having
an affair or
is on the
brink of one.
He wishes Jill
would be
unfaithful
because he
would rather
just eliminate
his guilty
feelings than
deal with his
own behavior.
6.
Jack would
like to have
more sex in
his
relationship
with Jill. He
is not sure
how Jill would
receive this
request.
7.
Jack is
actually very
much in love
with Jill.
More than he
realizes. The
dream
acknowledges
this by
"telling"
him how much
he would be
hurt if Jill
did not feel
the same way
about him.
8.
There are many
more
explanations
that take us
away from
Jack's wounded
feelings. For
instance, Jill
might actually
be sick in
bed, losing a
day's pay and
Jack should be
more attentive
to her needs.
What started out as an accusation now has numerous variations. It
would be
wildly
unjustified
for Jack to
presume that
Waking Jill is
having an
affair.
All
that can be
said with
certainty is
that, in his
dream life,
Jack is
acknowledging
Jill's sexual
power to hurt
him.
It
certainly is a
difficult
situation.
Jack is left
feeling
disturbed and
needing to do
something with
the dream.
Practical
Responses to
the Dream
If
I were
advising Jack,
I'd ask him to
consider all
of the above
possibilities.
Perhaps, on
reflection,
some of the
other
explanations
will have
greater
resonance.
This
is not a dream
to keep to
oneself. It
requires
external
reflection. It
is also a
situation in
which to
proceed with
caution.
If
Jack felt
sufficiently
comfortable,
his best
approach is to
tell Jill the
dream. He
would need to
do so in a
nonjudgmental
manner. If he
told her the
dream as
though it were
proof of
anything, he
would make
matters worse.
If
that was not a
reasonable
option for
Jack, the next
best advice
would be to
tell a friend
in whom he
trusts and ask
what he or she
thought.
Finally,
if both of
these
possibilities
were
"unbearable,"
and,
especially if
the dream
recurred, Jack
should talk to
a therapist;
his
relationship
should not be
causing this
much stress in
his dream
life.
Summary
When
you have a
dream that
seems to make
a waking life
accusation
about someone
else (or about
yourself),
think twice
before acting
on the dream.
There are
always many
interpretations
of a dream. If
in doubt, wait
for the next
dream and see
what happens
there.
In
Jack's dream,
he was the
innocent
party. In next
week's Dream
of the Week,
we'll look at
a dream in
which the
dreamer is
horrified to
discover that
she is the
unfaithful
dream-partner.
 DIAL-IN
DREAM GROUPS
The
Monday
telephone
conference
call
continues.
Whether
you live far
away or close
by, a phone
group allows
you to get a
sense of dream
work in a very
convenient
way. With this
new work, I
hope to
communicate
the pleasure
and the
excitement of
dream work to
many people.
- Day:
Monday
December
4th
- Time:
5pm-6pm
Pacific
Daylight
Time
- Dial-in
Number:
620-782-2200
(Kansas)
- Access
Code:
707172#
ELEPHANT PHARMACY WEDNESDAY GROUP
This group will meet again in January. It is
closed for
December.
DREAM GROUPS
The Saturday drop-in group ($20) is from 10
am to noon at
2315 Prince
Street in
Berkeley. The
nearest major
cross street
is Ashby and
Telegraph.
Please let me
know if you
are coming.
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about it. They
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Best wishes
David Jenkins
Dream RePlay
email: davidj@dreamreplay.com
phone: (510) 644 2369
web: http://dreamreplay.com
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