The Art of Listening to a Dream
September 22nd, 2006
Listening to a dream is different.
Even though a dream is simply an incident that happened to you while you were asleep, telling a dream is very different from describing a waking incident. We all communicate waking events in a story format that is easy to follow. But dreams happen in a haphazard way that makes them difficult to understand.
The following guidelines will help when listening to other peoples’ dreams.
Telling Is Different From Reading
A dream doesn't come alive until it is spoken in the present tense. The actual telling guides the dreamer back into the state they were in during the dream. If the dreamer needs to read the first to remember it, that's okay, but she should then tell the dream as if it were happening now.
Dreams Come Out in Layers
The first rule is that dreams are much more obvious to the dreamer than they are to the listener. Trust the dreamer.
A dreamer rarely tells the whole dream on the first telling. First she relates the core of the dream and with your patience and questions, other details emerge. This allows the dream to unfold gradually.
Because of this, it is unlikely that you will understand the dream on the first telling. The person telling the dream may not even know something is important to the story until they discover that you have not understood it.
Rather than ask a series of questions ("Yes but how did you get from New York to an ice floe in Alaska?"), simply ask the dreamer to tell the dream again. Two things will happen:
1. You will have a clearer understanding of the dream and,
2. The dreamer will tell more of the dream. In fact, if the dream changes substantially, ask the dreamer to tell it a third time.
You may still feel confused. In that case, I prefer to "sit" with the confusion rather than get the dreamer to explain the confusing parts. It's not about you.
You have two ways to respond. You can either ask questions or offer opinions. I strongly prefer questions because they allow the dreamer to lead you. Offering opinions always runs the risk of a conflict between the dreamer and you. If you must offer your opinions, it is best to preface them with "If it were my dream."
How to Ask Questions
When you do have an opinion ("I'm sure this dream is about your ex-boyfriend”), take a long step back from the opinion and reframe it as a question. This takes some practice.
"Do you have any idea who this dream might be referring to?" gives the dreamer more space to think for herself than the statement, "I think this is about that awful guy you went out with last summer." In other words, take your own answer and work out what question it is answering. Make that question as general as possible. If you are on the right track, you will eventually find that the dreamer answers in her own way ("It’s about that wonderful guy who I took advantage of last summer"). If you are on the wrong track, the general question gives you the freedom to follow the dreamer in the direction she wishes to take.
Getting Started
Ask the dreamer for a title. "If this dream were a movie, what would the title be?" Often this question allows the dreamer to sum up the dream, sometimes with startling results.
You can always open up a dialogue between the dream self and the waking self. Asking "What advice would you give to the-you-in-the-dream?" allows the dreamer to get a sense of how the dream appears to the dream self from inside the dream and how it appears from the outside.
If, for example, the waking self says, "Don't ever go out with a man like that again," you can ask her "Is the dream self willing to agree to that?"
"What would the-you-in-the-dream want to say to the-you-in-waking-life?" can then develop a dialogue that will get to the heart of the matter.
Of all the techniques I use, Movie Method is the easiest to learn. Ask the dreamer to think of the dream as a movie script and to decide how to change it in order to make a better movie script or create an ending. For example, maybe the dreamer should act more heroically, a new character should enter the scene, and so on.
Don'ts
When someone is sharing a dream with you,don’t break off the conversation, don't answer the phone, file your nails, answer your e-mail, or knit. The dreamer deserves your full attention.
It's ruinous to say, "That reminds me of the time when" because that takes the conversation away from the dreamer.
If you have an intimate friendship with the dreamer, don't use the dream work to manipulate her. "I think the dream is about your need to spend more time with me" can destroy a friendship -- especially if it is true. The task is for the dreamer to generate their own understanding of the dream.
In Summary
Once you start to enjoy your own dream life, it’s only natural to want to hear other people’s dreams. By helping others, you’ll notice your own understanding of dreams deepening.
Listening to a dream requires skill. It's not quite as easy as it seems. (And don’t worry, you’ll improve with experience.) A dreamer is, in some respects, like a person lost in a labyrinth; communicating with them requires a great deal of sympathy on your part. You'll also find that your listening skills in waking life are also vastly improved.
NEW DIAL-IN DREAM GROUPS
On Monday, September 25th and Tuesday September 26th, I will be holding two more 1-hour dream groups on a telephone conference call. These are currently free and are experimental as I learn how to handle the challenge of a group without being able to see anyone.
Whether you live far away or close by, a phone group allows you to get a sense of dream work in a very convenient way. With this new work, I hope to communicate the pleasure and the excitement of dream work to many people.
- Day: Monday September 25th
- Time: 7pm-8pm Pacific Daylight
- Dial-in Number: 620-782-2200 (Kansas)
- Access Code: 707172
And
- Day: Tuesday September 26th
- Time: 4pm-5pm Pacific Daylight Time
- Dial-in Number: 620-782-2200 (Kansas)
- Access Code: 707172
DREAM GROUPS
My dream groups are back again in full swing. The Saturday drop-in group ($20) is from 10 am to noon at 2315 Prince Street in Berkeley. The nearest major cross street is Ashby and Telegraph. Please let me know if you are coming.
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Best wishes
David Jenkins
Dream RePlay
phone: (510) 644 2369
